Sickness can ROCK!!!

I went to the gym last night and thought I would have to really dig deep to get through some high rep squats with a real light weight. And although I did not squat nearly as many reps as I wanted, I did lift heavier than I had planned and so I think I just did what my body needed me to do. I ended up squatting 45x10, 95x20, 115x20, 135x10, 45x30. I usually squat much heavier but I was really depleted from my stomach/intestinal virus the last 2 days. I thought I was smoked but wanted to push until I either puked or shit myself, so I went and did some pawltry leg extensions at 75x10, 85x10, 95x10, 100x8, 90x10. Still felt I had something in me and so then I went and did some Smith calf raises with a pair of the 45's x10, then added some 25'sx10, and then took off the 25's and put on the 10's x 10 because my knees were shaking so bad I could barely keep my legs from buckling. I quit the weights then and went to the recumbent bike and put it at a level 5 and cycled for 20 minutes while keeping my heartrate in the 150's. Last, I bumped the intensity level to 10 (on the bike, not my personal 10) and cycled for 5 more minutes while keeping my heartrate still in the 150's. I got a booty cramp in both cheeks on the drive home. Ahhhh!!!! Satisfaction.

So even though my weights were all featherlight compared to what I normally lift, I smoked myself last night and left the gym feeling like I left everything in there, my own personal torture chamber. It usually takes so much more to get me to that feeling like I hammered myself but because I was sick, I hit that high much sooner. I also woke up a half-pound lighter today LOL! I am sure as I get my water levels back up, I will gain 3-5 pounds in the next day or two. At any rate, I loved pushing through my sickness last night and hitting the gym hard. I am also proud that I mostly stayed on diet and did not miss too many meals while sick. I still ate my chicken, sweet potatoes, shakes, oatmeal, and as much water as I could hold down. I even ate 2 servings of tuna while sick! How hardcore I am, LOL!!!! Once you get past the initial puking, the rest is just going through the motions. I think taking the homeopathic pills Nux Vomica really helped because I hardly felt nausea. I actually felt mostly fine, except for the moments I had to let everything out. I think not feeling nauseous was key to beig able to continue eating as much as I did. The pills won't prevent vomiting if that is what your body needs to heal itself, but it sure made a diff in how I felt during the whole ordeal. I highly recommend keeping some in your medicine cabinet during training season. It kept me on track and from losing a lot of ground.

Yesterday Blew Chunks

I definately had a bad day yesterday. I threw up once in the middle of the night and spent the rest of the day shitting diarrhea and thought it would end by this morning. Eeeeert!!! Wrong. I am still shitting my guts out. The good thing is, at least the 5 cookies I ate yesterday did not get to stick around and cling to my ass. Er, well....they DID but not in the way I meant that. I have not eaten totally off plan but I am definately not following my meal plan by skipping meals. I am having a hard time even getting water down and you would think I would just CRAVE that right now.

My TOM finally ended yesterday and do you think my hubby wanted me after I described the above to him? What a wuss!!!! He only kissed me on the cheek and forehead yesterday. LOL! I don't blame him. How attractive can I actually look right now? Oh, and I slept over HALF my day yesterday and have been awake for a total of two hrs today thus far. Grrrr.....I hate being so unproductive. I am going to the gym tonight anyway. I missed the last two days with only one cardio worked in there. I may only be able to do squats tonight (if I still have any intestine left, that is) but I will make them lighter 20-rep squats and try to do 3-4 sets. If that is all I can do, it will be better than nothing. Right?

I might make myself some soup and crusty rolls today. I am thinking between my whacked out hormones and TOM always hanging around, I may not be ready for a May show. I will aim for a Fall one for sure. But who knows? Maybe just sticking to the plan will bring good results, even with TOM being a constant factor.

Oh, yeah, saw "Rise of the Lycans". It was very good. I love werewolves and this movie was actually romantic with it. I never thought the lead actor who played Lucian was that good looking, but after seeing him in this movie, I change my mind. He looks pretty good, even though he isn't too muscular. Still, not bad. Certainly would have been better to get that guy from "The 300". Holy shit! Now that guy was some serious eye candy!!!

TOM wins AGAIN!!!!

Son of a BITCH!!!!! I am having TOM AGAIN and have for the last 2 weeks! I am so fucking miserable right now!!!

I am reduced nearly to tears with the frustration of it all. I have seen the docs and been told there is nothing wrong with me. Thyroid, blood, cervix, papa, all came back normal. I even had an ultrasound done to check for polyps and tumors...nothing there. I don't want to get on birth control because it always zeroed my sex drive and caused a assload of water retention in me but how is this any better than that? I already have lost ALL sex drive and responsiveness due to all this bleeding. I love my husband so much and it is of no help that he is so fine looking. If he were fat and ugly, maybe it would not be so bad but he isn't and I "miss" him like that, you know? And no, I won't apologize for too much information. Do you remember you clicked on the Adult Content warning I put on my blog? It is there for a reason!

I am heading off to the gym. I have arms and shoulders tonight. I ate pizza today and now I feel even worse. Guilt + water retention from TOM = feeling like shit. Sorry for my negativity, y'all. I will try tobe more upbeat later.....

And it is a GOOOOOD Morning!!!!!

Holy mother of wonderful days!!!! My scale IS capable of dropping below 142.5, LOL!

I weighed in this morning and am down a half-pound (142 for the numerically challenged) and I did not even use a laxative tea last night. Oh, the things I do to compete......

Something weird...I used my tuna in a packet yesterday for the first time on this diet (have not had it in months) and by mistake I see I have purchased the wrong one. I got the kind in sunflower oil instead of in water..grrrr! But I ate it anyway and since I was not seeing that danged scale move and I wanted to be mean to myself, I ate my tuna with Miracle Whip lite and about 10 whole wheat Ritz crackers. And I woke up lighter. I wonder what I ever did to the Universe that it would toy with me in the way that it does. I must have been a real pain in the ass in the spirit world before coming to earth, huh? What....did I dangle loogies over the mouths of my spirit siblings? What????

Just a Quickie....

Bet you thought I was gonna talk about my love life, huh? Nope....

I have offically completed 3 entire weeks on my cutting diet. I have gone through hell it feels like because I am battling major cravings and my body is doing all sorts of weird things. I started at 142.5 lbs and went up then back down then back up and now am right back where I started. I am 142.5 lbs today! I feel thinner in my abs and my back looks leaner when I flex but other than that, no physical changes in my inches, pics, etc....still can't get my favorite denim capris to barely get past my hips, much less buttoned. And because of my cutting, I havelost some strength overall, though not much. but still, I see LESS muscle definition since beginning and experiencing some loss of strength in a few lifts, and only see minimal results for leaning out. usually I drop weight super fast and I have to be very careful. What is up this time?

Some things I have done....dropped dairy as you already know, drop complex carbs to 50 grams a day and all veggie carbs the rest of the day, no complex carbs after 3 pm, consistently hit 150-200 grams of protein each day even on a free meal day. Not sure what else to try. I am hitting 1200-1500 cal per day. I think this might be low. I was getting 1700-1900 cal per day and feeling great but my weight was creeping up a half pound each day instead of dropping and my clothes were getting tighter! So that was when I dropped dairy and that caused my cal to drop. Dropping my cals was not intentional but I just went with it to see what would happen. Not sure what to do now??? I was doing minimal cardio each week to preserve muscle but I think I would like to up my cal back up to 1700-1900 per day while still leaving off dairy and following my new carb pattern and ADDING more cardio. Sort of feel lost right now and very frustrated. I have been battling these cravings and what pulled me thorugh them was knowing I would get great results for my hard work. Without the results, there is no rewards system to keep me going. I seriously want some coconut cake today. This is not good.....

Pageant Mom vs. Figure Diva

This is one of the dresses I am about to buy for my daughter to move up from competing in the Natural pageant system to the Glitz pageant system. She has done all her modeling classes, learned all the walks for Beauty, Sportswear, ProAm, etc....and she is about to get her first headshots done professionally in March. She has competed the last few years in the natural pageant systems locally and has done very well. She did her first glitz pageant right beore the holidays ran together and got the bug now for Glitz. Her next pageant is another natural one and it is Feb. 1. I am scrambling to get her natural headshots done for that pageant and also trying to come across even MORE money than what we have for yet MORE pageant "stuff". And we all thought being a Figure Diva was $$$$$!!!!! I may have to postpone my comp for May until the fall because my daughter is costing me too much right now LOL! But I guess I don't mind because once I get her settled in on her wardrobe and the headshots done, it isn't so bad keeping it all up. It is just the initial start of it that is a sticker shock. Kind of like when I first competed for Figure and I had to get EVERYTHING for that first show. But now I am competing for much less cost than last time because I already have my suit, shoes, posing lessons, etc.....

I am undecided as to whether I will start her in the short dress or a floor length. She is at the age where it is almost too late to put her in the short but too early for the long dress. She is so excited and that makes me so excited! I am going to find her a cool hairfall but will not do the flipper/snap-on smile (fake teeth) because she naturally has perfect straight white teeth and I like to see at least something real on her when she competes.

When she did the last Glitz pageant, it was very fun to see her all dolled up and doing that perfect Beauty walk for the judges, just looking like she owned the world and was loving every minute of it. Then, she walks off stage and asks for some Cheetos LOL! And it reminded me of how she is such a natural slob and that normally she is dressed nice but is covered in mud, ink or paint stains, food droppings, tangled hair, bad breath (I make her brush her teeth because otherwise...ack!) scabs, and anything else a natural slob would be expected to wear. Pageants are the only time I really get to play dress up with her and we get the whole day together playing in makeup and clothes and laughing.

Plus, she has made friends with the girls she competes with. I was shocked and unsure at first when we began pageantry because the other girls did not seem friendly and they seemed VERY competitive, but really it was just them being matter-of-fact about it all. They immediately wanted to know who taught her modeling, where she got her outfits, who does her hair and makeup (it is trendy to use the professional at the shows and so we normally do), and how long she had been competing. Once they saw she was a serious contender, instead of giving her the cold shoulder, they opened up to her. I just love how they will run up and begin talking, or stand in the lineup before their stage walk and hold hands and show each other how they are shaking. They even go on stage and try to intimidate each other by practicing their walks before the pageant starts and all the while be laughing about it and pointing out each other's flaws and strengths with complete frankness and seriousness. They really just love to excel at this and WIN.

I have learned a lot from them and from my daughter about setting my eyes on the prize and watching for my competition and applying myself. No matter anyone's personal opinions on these little girls and their sport or their moms, pageantry can teach excellence and self-confidence. I have really seen my daughter blossum since beginning pageants a few years ago. Before, she would be mortified with shyness. It practically crippled her socially. But now....she is Wonder Woman! LOL! I want to grow up and be just like her.

Resisting Cravings....Stupid?

I was at church today and one of the ladies asked me if I was going to diet down real skinny again this year. I said, "Yep, but this time I hope to have more muscle that shows since I was really committed this year to eating more food and lifting much heavier than ever before." She was surprised and said she did not know I lifted weights and that I was wanting muscle. Of course, she goes on to tell me how she doesn't lift because she doesn't want to look like a man. I smiled and said, "I do." And then turned away from her and talked to some other lady.

Let her think what she wants to. I know that in my clothes last comp season that I looked skinny but I did not look anorexic. And I ate so much more food than most of the women complaining about my weight loss, plus I did not have cankles like they do and so you know they had to bitch about THAT.

I think it is ironic that America in general will complain about the diet of a figure competitor and offer UNINVITED criticism about looking like men or starving and how unhealthy we are. Yet...they celebrate the skinny women for beauty and the fat women get to bitch and moan about their weight crisis while us healthy women have to just sit there and say nothing or it might hurt their feelings. So the skinny women walk around living on diet coke, cigarettes, and carrots and nobody says anything. But when I pull out my food scale to be sure I am getting enough chicken, I get looks and whispers of a eating disorder.

If I had an eating disorder, would I be so likely to cheat? Probably not. The guilt and punishment cycle would be too severe. Instead, I endure my cravings until it is WISE to indulge in them, like on a free meal or when my weight loss plateaus and I have been running on empty for awhile while pushing a heavy workout schedule. People with eating disorders just let their fears and guilt rule their stomachs and their bodies suffer the consequences. Figure competitors knuckle down and get the job done to get a top-notch fit physique that is good only for competing with. Then we make a run for bulking season so we can eat MORE healthy food. Sure there is some air of abnormality when it comes to any type of bodybuilding but that is because we tend to take it to the extreme for a competition. But then again, if we looked normal, what is competitive about THAT? Being above average is what we strive for. Being perfect, even if it is only for one day, LOL! I certainly don't look like a competitor year round. Who could live like that? NEVER eating cookies, fast food, some chips and dip, social gatherings with loads of good foods??? That is not living, that is suffering or maybe even just existing. I want MORE than that. I want to live a life that I can look back on and say WOW! I actually did something cool that not many people have the work ethic to accomplish. But I did not die trying it. Or make it a joyless lifelong suffering experience.

With that off my chest....

I want some cookies real bad!!!!! SO I better go eat some more chicken and a sweet potatoe, LOL! Free meal is not until Wednesday, folks.

My Lovely Lady Lumps

Mmmmmm....the American fast food cheeseburger complete with greasy, salty fries. The only thing better is being a Southerner like myself who knows the simple trick of putting the fries ON the burger and experiencing heaven in just one bite. Now, being a figure competitor and all, I won't eat cheeseburgers and fries, especially fast food ones. But when I get my next free day I just might. Still undecided on that one because when I eat greasy, salty foods my weight blows up and I have a bad case of cellulite and saddle bags to go with my doughy tummy that hangs over my jeans. Now that I am cutting again, and this stuff is quickly going away, I don't want to sabotage myself.

Last night, I had my weekly free meal but I decided against my usual jaguar roll and went to an all-u-can eat buffet where I did NOT eat all I could eat. I thought it best to go there instead of a drive-thru because there was a salad bar and I could fill up on greens first and opt for healthier options like the baked chicken and the pizza that they cut into super small slices. Seriously, they were small slices. Just take your thumbs and pointer fingers and touch them to the opposite hand, making a triangle. That is how small the slices were. I ate only two such slices of spinach alfredo pizza with my baked chicken and a small side of mac n cheese. I finished with a small bit of banana pudding and one small Diet Coke. I just feel so proud of myself! Usually, I pig out real bad and leave my free meal feeling sick and wobbly.

I don't plan to binge eat anymore on my weekly free meal. It just insn't worth it. I am too far along in my progress at this point in my physique transformation game to not suffer huge consequences for changing my diet even in the smallest way. When I was first beginning to lift and diet, I had NO muscle and a load of fat on top of bone. I was very weak! And so a free meal really helped to amp my metabolism and help me drop the fat. But now I have muscle and enough fat is gone that eating something different could lead to extreme bloating or watery diarrhea and that causes me to hold water. Everything is just so fine-tuned right now. So, no, there is very little chance I will be eating cheeseburgers for my free meals anytime soon. Or at least I could do one and not do it for a month. But that is just so much harder than not having one at all! Don't you think? Kinda like eating cookies...we can never eat just ONE. It ends up being a few and for some of us, a whole batch. Been there, done that. Don't want to be that way again.

For now, I enjoy my approved foods and getting up each morning to look at myself in the mirror while naked. Why? Because EVERY morning I find some new improvement. It is like getting a gift everyday to see the small changes. I love that! More than the competition fo comparing myself to other women in the tall class, I rather experience finding new changes each day. I have worked so hard and I deserve these little gifts. If you are someone who is just beginning your weight loss journey, please stick it out. You deserve these changes and these little everyday gifts, too! You will not be sorry!

Why Dost Thou Tempt Me????

I am doing alright with my diet so far since cutting out dairy. But since cutting dairy, my calories automatically dropped and I went from averaging 1900 to 1250 yesterday. NOT GOOD. This causes me to break and eat something off diet, like today when I ate a cupcake I had made for my kids. I am going to have to up my carb count and fill in where the dairy used to be. I only ate the one cupcake and to be honest, it made me sick to my stomach. The first two bites were heavenly and I thought I was getting away with something for a second as a thrill passed through my body from the sugar hitting my bloodstream. But then within a minute after that euphoria, a sweep of nausea passed through me. I could not even eat the last bite of the cupcake. I just trashed it and sat and looked over my fitday.com entries for the last few days. I have seen where I messed up diet-wise and am correcting it so I don't cave again.

So far though, I have eaten all my meals and hit all my grams of protein and fats. I am lagging on carbs so I think before I go workout tonight, I might eat some oatmeal or I may just eat it AFTER my workout since I workout so late, then I might not have the grumbly tummy during sleep. I always get a complex carb post-workout but I think it might not be enough, so yes, I am decided: I will eat oatmeal before AND after my workout LOL! Isnn't it amazing how diet affects our bodies?

Diet Change

As y'all know, I am playing around with my diet, learning the ropes and how my body reacts. I did not drop one ounce this whole week of eating clean and hitting the gym hard. For those who don't know, I hit the gym hard nearly everyday and have for a couple years now. I have done a figure competition but want more mass for the next comp season. So here I have been taking a few months off to eat large and lift heavy. Now I have to start cutting a little and I feel a half pound to a pound would be a nice slow cut since I don't compete until May and even then I may have to wait until fall time frame. I want to keep as much muscle as possible.

So since the last week brought no changes despite my best efforts, I am going NO DAIRY for this week and seeing what happens. I am planning to switch my dairy over to egg whites and hoping the slight increase in protein will be better for me. I already eat about 200 grams of protein per day so I am not worried about my protein consumption. I am worried though that if I reduce carbs, I may grow too tired to lift heavy. I am still in my phase of training where I need to be lifting lower reps, higher weights so the carb loss could be detrimental to my progress if I don't play it smart. Isn't it fun reading all about my experiment???? Let's hope I succeed. Of course, I will keep you posted.

Setting Comp Dates

I have been on clean calories (1700-1900 cal/day) the whole last week. I also had TOM. So the scale did NOT budge! I weigh 142 lbs right now so the calories I am ingesting are at where they should be for a slow cutting phase. I am still on dairy and am getting in enough good fats each day, and still getting about 200 grams of protein per day. I get my free MEAL (not a free DAY) tomorrow for lunch. I am, of course, eating Japanese, LOL! I am going to stay on my meal plan for another 7 days but if the scale does not drop by at least one pound then I will UP my calories to about 2100/day of clean food.

I don't tend to do anything but become a stick girl with NO muscle when I fall below 1700 cal per day. I seriously need to eat good food and eat it often or I practically shrink away to nothing. I don't like the waif look. I might have to give up my dairy or at least cut it in half for a couple weeks and see the results. As much as I analze my diet, and it starts to sound like I am complaining, I am really enjoying the experimenting. I did not like having a nutritionist tell me what to eat and when. I just kept shrinking into a long tall stick and they would not listen to me when I said I did NOT like it! But it was what they wanted for me so on they kept with their asparagus and fish.

I can hardly wait for my free meal! I have been planning this meal all week LOL! I am certainly getting that jaguar roll again and am also getting some grilled steak, a california roll, and some salad with ginger dressing. That should do me until next week LOL!

As for setting comp dates....sorry I digressed in the above diet musings....I am still aiming for my end of May comp. We are supposed to be moving this summer so I may have to postpone it till we get settled up North and then find fall comp dates for my new home area. I won't kick and holler about it cuz it just gives me more time to add some decent mass. I seriously have the HARDEST time putting on muscle. What gives? I wonder if my hormones are outta whack but I got checked about having such long, hard periods so often and they said my hormones were all normal. I don't believe it! I really have a hard time during TOM (I won't spell out the gory details) and I can't add muscle for anything. I wonder if I am truly normal with hormones or if my testosterone is low and estrogen is elevated or if the opposite is occuring??? Not sure but I suspect it highly. I also had my thyroid checked and of course...normal. I suspect these tests are all guesstimates since it all comes from military docs. When my daughter got really sick in kindergarten, I suspected mono and had her tested. They said nope, no mono so we will test her for everything under the sun from cancer to diabetes to worms. She had nothing. They did nothing for her although she was practically sleeping her life away! Finally, I treated her herbally and within a week she was fine. About 6 mos after the long 3 month sleeping ordeal, I get a call from her ped and he says we got her tests back in and she is positive for mono. WHAT???!!! I asked for the date on the test and he stumbled out the answer. It was the very first freaking test that was done when I first took her in and badgered them into doing! Idiots!!!! And when Jerome shattered his leg, they gave him practically no pain meds and left him in the hospital bed for 9 days before they did surgery...with almost no pain meds!!! And they left him untreated for thrush and a massive yeast infection from laying and sweating through massive pain on his back the whole time. I had to practically beat their brains into the wall with my perfected bitching before they did something and then were totaly embarrassed I was right. So after all this...no, I don't trust that my military healthcare profesisonals have my hormone levels tested correctly.

Anyway, comp dates are up in the air for now but I foresee everything falling into place as it should. I am not worried about postponing shows. I KNOW i will eventually get my mass I so desperatly work for. And I WILL look amazing!!!!

Thinspiration????

Have y'all heard of this? There is a movement by the anorexic crowd where they look for pics of skeleton waifs like the one above and call it "Thinspiration". I was noticing the arms on Angelina Jolie on her movie poster for "Wanted" and thought, "Ick." How absolutely stupid that they cast her as that strong, dominant female character when her body is so obviously lacking strength. She is just thin and nothing more. Not saying she isn't beautiful but why does she get roles like lara Croft and that Wanted character when she can't pull them off? Why not get someone who has beautiful shape to their arms and some strength? Why this waif love affair America has going on? I just could not live like that! I once got down to 95 lbs in college when I wanted to look just like Kate Moss. i was 5'9" tall and she was NOT yet I wanted to be so thin. The sad thing is, even though my hair was falling out, and my teeth hurt all the time, my nails had cracks running lengthwise down to an infected nailbed, and my bones throbbed almost constantly, people kept telling me I was gorgeous, that I kept looking better each day. WTF???? I look back at how many "friends" who did NOT love me and I resent them now. My mom and brother did not even recognize me when I came home. I had to get in their face at the airport and say HELLO!!!! My brother looked shocked and my mom was just speechless (which is saying a lot cuz she is never at a loss for words). They drove me straight to TACO BELL, LOL! But I got home and began to see that I just wasn't mature enough to handle the stress of life away from home at such a young age so I took 6 mos back at home to get a job and get my health back before I went back to school and got my own apartment. I had to really take a long hard look at myself and my self-value.

Now I strive for a good healthy weight. I am still thin but I have some muscle now and as long as I am careful with my nutrition and can support my body through heavy training and maintain good nutrition through it all, I am happy. I never NEVER want to go back to the waif model look again. EVER.

Happy Fucking New Year

Yep, this is how I begin the new year...with TOM. Son of a BITCH!!! I went to do deadlifts today and what I easily pull 185-205 lbs was like not there AT ALL!!! I could only get 165x3. Seriously. And then nothing after that. I had to drop on most of my other weights as well except for my upper body stuff. I ended up adding straight-leg deadlifts to finish smoking my legs since I could not pull what I was supposed to get today for sumo DL's. Grrrr......and I am bleeding just so damn heavy again. I have my period all the time it seems. Went and got checked out about this and nothing is wrong with me. Seriously? Nothing? So some women just bleed like a stuck pig way more often than other women? And that is normal??? Really??? Well fuck you medical community. And I asked about getting something to stop my periods and was told I would bleed for about 6 mos straight before they stopped. Well....um...fuck you again. I am not NOT going to take away from my training anymore than I have to and 6 mos straight of bleeding is just ridiculous. But I understand men are more important....make sure, Mr. Big Medical Community, that you go and make a whole new pill for making a man's dick bigger cuz that is what I really need right now. AAAgh!!!!! If I wasn't bleeding all the live long month I WOULD want a man who used one of your stupid penis pills but what good does it do me NOW????