i am in a queer mood lately. I am seriously hating competitions of all kinds. I am beginning to hate my daughter's pageants, my own comps lined up, my husbands comps for Highlands and powerlifitng, etc...I am just seeing them as money vacuums. Seriously, I am reading Dave Ramsey's new book The Total Money Makeover (that another Diva and Dude gave to me ironically enough) and realizing how in denial I have been about money. Yes, we are better off than most but we have almost NO savings. And although a layoff ain't gonna happen (Jerome is military) we should still have savings for his retirement and for my next stage of school. I feel like we are walking a fine line between the madness of folly and the harshness of reality. And I am seeing these comps as STUPID!!!!
Anyway, I thought I would come on here and rant with some swearing cuz it always makes me feel better to scream out FUCK!!!! But lately, I just seem to have lost my voice. I just feel so tired and so drained adn so irritated with all the world that all I want to do is go to the gym just to lift and do some cardio and follow my diet with cheat a couple times a week. Seriously, I feel for nothing else. I am not even fired up to race towards a deadline of a comp, just feel like training and training and training for life. Weird. No fire, you know? But no quitting, either. I worry apathy may turn into some kind of destructive aspect of training that rears to bite like an asp. Then what?
My weight is down at a nice 139.5 lbs and holding all the week. I ate pizza yesterday and it jumped to 141. I did this on purpose, don't worry. I dropped last week to 139.5 after I cheated a little extra than my planned cheat for the week. So last night I did it and have been on track all day to see what happens tomorrow. I eat so lean all week. I don't feel hungry though. And my RA is fine now. And I am feeling stronger than ever! I remember when my goal last year at this time was to be able to squat with the 45 lb plates and it seemed so out of reach. I would warm up bare bar, then add a 10 on each side, then 15, then two 10's and if I had enough in me, I could add on the 25's. Woopty-do. Now I start with the 25's and end with the 45 and a 10 and am about to add the 25's after the 45's because I am very easily squatting this weight. I don't toal that shit up cuz big numbers scare me and so I make goals with the plates if that makes any sense. I am also finally benching the 25's. Can you believe that???Again, last year this time, the 10's were my high mark. I remember getting two 10's on each side and saying holy shit! Look what I just did! Now I got me some 25's. Bench is slow fo rme to improve cuz of my small wirsts but I won't stop plugging away. Now guys, huge guys at the gym, will offer to spot me. They see me working at it and struggling and they want to see me improve so I am thankful for that each time someone offers. I can't ask because so far when I have, men assumed I was flirting with them. So I just keep my eyes covert, and lift heavy, and don't chat with anyone. Few people do I talk to but those I do talk to are the serious lifters who are there to work and not to socialize.
I want to post my daughter's pageant pics here but I worry about creepos passing them around, you know? Suffice it to say, she is spectacular and I am thankful I can afford her hobby but I also want it to end. Mean? Probably. I just think the money could be put to better use. I might sell all her stuff and see if she will do theater instead. Naw...who am I kidding??? I LOVE pageants! LOL! I just hate to waste the money.