Resisting Cravings....Stupid?

I was at church today and one of the ladies asked me if I was going to diet down real skinny again this year. I said, "Yep, but this time I hope to have more muscle that shows since I was really committed this year to eating more food and lifting much heavier than ever before." She was surprised and said she did not know I lifted weights and that I was wanting muscle. Of course, she goes on to tell me how she doesn't lift because she doesn't want to look like a man. I smiled and said, "I do." And then turned away from her and talked to some other lady.

Let her think what she wants to. I know that in my clothes last comp season that I looked skinny but I did not look anorexic. And I ate so much more food than most of the women complaining about my weight loss, plus I did not have cankles like they do and so you know they had to bitch about THAT.

I think it is ironic that America in general will complain about the diet of a figure competitor and offer UNINVITED criticism about looking like men or starving and how unhealthy we are. Yet...they celebrate the skinny women for beauty and the fat women get to bitch and moan about their weight crisis while us healthy women have to just sit there and say nothing or it might hurt their feelings. So the skinny women walk around living on diet coke, cigarettes, and carrots and nobody says anything. But when I pull out my food scale to be sure I am getting enough chicken, I get looks and whispers of a eating disorder.

If I had an eating disorder, would I be so likely to cheat? Probably not. The guilt and punishment cycle would be too severe. Instead, I endure my cravings until it is WISE to indulge in them, like on a free meal or when my weight loss plateaus and I have been running on empty for awhile while pushing a heavy workout schedule. People with eating disorders just let their fears and guilt rule their stomachs and their bodies suffer the consequences. Figure competitors knuckle down and get the job done to get a top-notch fit physique that is good only for competing with. Then we make a run for bulking season so we can eat MORE healthy food. Sure there is some air of abnormality when it comes to any type of bodybuilding but that is because we tend to take it to the extreme for a competition. But then again, if we looked normal, what is competitive about THAT? Being above average is what we strive for. Being perfect, even if it is only for one day, LOL! I certainly don't look like a competitor year round. Who could live like that? NEVER eating cookies, fast food, some chips and dip, social gatherings with loads of good foods??? That is not living, that is suffering or maybe even just existing. I want MORE than that. I want to live a life that I can look back on and say WOW! I actually did something cool that not many people have the work ethic to accomplish. But I did not die trying it. Or make it a joyless lifelong suffering experience.

With that off my chest....

I want some cookies real bad!!!!! SO I better go eat some more chicken and a sweet potatoe, LOL! Free meal is not until Wednesday, folks.

My Lovely Lady Lumps

Mmmmmm....the American fast food cheeseburger complete with greasy, salty fries. The only thing better is being a Southerner like myself who knows the simple trick of putting the fries ON the burger and experiencing heaven in just one bite. Now, being a figure competitor and all, I won't eat cheeseburgers and fries, especially fast food ones. But when I get my next free day I just might. Still undecided on that one because when I eat greasy, salty foods my weight blows up and I have a bad case of cellulite and saddle bags to go with my doughy tummy that hangs over my jeans. Now that I am cutting again, and this stuff is quickly going away, I don't want to sabotage myself.

Last night, I had my weekly free meal but I decided against my usual jaguar roll and went to an all-u-can eat buffet where I did NOT eat all I could eat. I thought it best to go there instead of a drive-thru because there was a salad bar and I could fill up on greens first and opt for healthier options like the baked chicken and the pizza that they cut into super small slices. Seriously, they were small slices. Just take your thumbs and pointer fingers and touch them to the opposite hand, making a triangle. That is how small the slices were. I ate only two such slices of spinach alfredo pizza with my baked chicken and a small side of mac n cheese. I finished with a small bit of banana pudding and one small Diet Coke. I just feel so proud of myself! Usually, I pig out real bad and leave my free meal feeling sick and wobbly.

I don't plan to binge eat anymore on my weekly free meal. It just insn't worth it. I am too far along in my progress at this point in my physique transformation game to not suffer huge consequences for changing my diet even in the smallest way. When I was first beginning to lift and diet, I had NO muscle and a load of fat on top of bone. I was very weak! And so a free meal really helped to amp my metabolism and help me drop the fat. But now I have muscle and enough fat is gone that eating something different could lead to extreme bloating or watery diarrhea and that causes me to hold water. Everything is just so fine-tuned right now. So, no, there is very little chance I will be eating cheeseburgers for my free meals anytime soon. Or at least I could do one and not do it for a month. But that is just so much harder than not having one at all! Don't you think? Kinda like eating cookies...we can never eat just ONE. It ends up being a few and for some of us, a whole batch. Been there, done that. Don't want to be that way again.

For now, I enjoy my approved foods and getting up each morning to look at myself in the mirror while naked. Why? Because EVERY morning I find some new improvement. It is like getting a gift everyday to see the small changes. I love that! More than the competition fo comparing myself to other women in the tall class, I rather experience finding new changes each day. I have worked so hard and I deserve these little gifts. If you are someone who is just beginning your weight loss journey, please stick it out. You deserve these changes and these little everyday gifts, too! You will not be sorry!

Why Dost Thou Tempt Me????

I am doing alright with my diet so far since cutting out dairy. But since cutting dairy, my calories automatically dropped and I went from averaging 1900 to 1250 yesterday. NOT GOOD. This causes me to break and eat something off diet, like today when I ate a cupcake I had made for my kids. I am going to have to up my carb count and fill in where the dairy used to be. I only ate the one cupcake and to be honest, it made me sick to my stomach. The first two bites were heavenly and I thought I was getting away with something for a second as a thrill passed through my body from the sugar hitting my bloodstream. But then within a minute after that euphoria, a sweep of nausea passed through me. I could not even eat the last bite of the cupcake. I just trashed it and sat and looked over my fitday.com entries for the last few days. I have seen where I messed up diet-wise and am correcting it so I don't cave again.

So far though, I have eaten all my meals and hit all my grams of protein and fats. I am lagging on carbs so I think before I go workout tonight, I might eat some oatmeal or I may just eat it AFTER my workout since I workout so late, then I might not have the grumbly tummy during sleep. I always get a complex carb post-workout but I think it might not be enough, so yes, I am decided: I will eat oatmeal before AND after my workout LOL! Isnn't it amazing how diet affects our bodies?

Diet Change

As y'all know, I am playing around with my diet, learning the ropes and how my body reacts. I did not drop one ounce this whole week of eating clean and hitting the gym hard. For those who don't know, I hit the gym hard nearly everyday and have for a couple years now. I have done a figure competition but want more mass for the next comp season. So here I have been taking a few months off to eat large and lift heavy. Now I have to start cutting a little and I feel a half pound to a pound would be a nice slow cut since I don't compete until May and even then I may have to wait until fall time frame. I want to keep as much muscle as possible.

So since the last week brought no changes despite my best efforts, I am going NO DAIRY for this week and seeing what happens. I am planning to switch my dairy over to egg whites and hoping the slight increase in protein will be better for me. I already eat about 200 grams of protein per day so I am not worried about my protein consumption. I am worried though that if I reduce carbs, I may grow too tired to lift heavy. I am still in my phase of training where I need to be lifting lower reps, higher weights so the carb loss could be detrimental to my progress if I don't play it smart. Isn't it fun reading all about my experiment???? Let's hope I succeed. Of course, I will keep you posted.

Setting Comp Dates

I have been on clean calories (1700-1900 cal/day) the whole last week. I also had TOM. So the scale did NOT budge! I weigh 142 lbs right now so the calories I am ingesting are at where they should be for a slow cutting phase. I am still on dairy and am getting in enough good fats each day, and still getting about 200 grams of protein per day. I get my free MEAL (not a free DAY) tomorrow for lunch. I am, of course, eating Japanese, LOL! I am going to stay on my meal plan for another 7 days but if the scale does not drop by at least one pound then I will UP my calories to about 2100/day of clean food.

I don't tend to do anything but become a stick girl with NO muscle when I fall below 1700 cal per day. I seriously need to eat good food and eat it often or I practically shrink away to nothing. I don't like the waif look. I might have to give up my dairy or at least cut it in half for a couple weeks and see the results. As much as I analze my diet, and it starts to sound like I am complaining, I am really enjoying the experimenting. I did not like having a nutritionist tell me what to eat and when. I just kept shrinking into a long tall stick and they would not listen to me when I said I did NOT like it! But it was what they wanted for me so on they kept with their asparagus and fish.

I can hardly wait for my free meal! I have been planning this meal all week LOL! I am certainly getting that jaguar roll again and am also getting some grilled steak, a california roll, and some salad with ginger dressing. That should do me until next week LOL!

As for setting comp dates....sorry I digressed in the above diet musings....I am still aiming for my end of May comp. We are supposed to be moving this summer so I may have to postpone it till we get settled up North and then find fall comp dates for my new home area. I won't kick and holler about it cuz it just gives me more time to add some decent mass. I seriously have the HARDEST time putting on muscle. What gives? I wonder if my hormones are outta whack but I got checked about having such long, hard periods so often and they said my hormones were all normal. I don't believe it! I really have a hard time during TOM (I won't spell out the gory details) and I can't add muscle for anything. I wonder if I am truly normal with hormones or if my testosterone is low and estrogen is elevated or if the opposite is occuring??? Not sure but I suspect it highly. I also had my thyroid checked and of course...normal. I suspect these tests are all guesstimates since it all comes from military docs. When my daughter got really sick in kindergarten, I suspected mono and had her tested. They said nope, no mono so we will test her for everything under the sun from cancer to diabetes to worms. She had nothing. They did nothing for her although she was practically sleeping her life away! Finally, I treated her herbally and within a week she was fine. About 6 mos after the long 3 month sleeping ordeal, I get a call from her ped and he says we got her tests back in and she is positive for mono. WHAT???!!! I asked for the date on the test and he stumbled out the answer. It was the very first freaking test that was done when I first took her in and badgered them into doing! Idiots!!!! And when Jerome shattered his leg, they gave him practically no pain meds and left him in the hospital bed for 9 days before they did surgery...with almost no pain meds!!! And they left him untreated for thrush and a massive yeast infection from laying and sweating through massive pain on his back the whole time. I had to practically beat their brains into the wall with my perfected bitching before they did something and then were totaly embarrassed I was right. So after all this...no, I don't trust that my military healthcare profesisonals have my hormone levels tested correctly.

Anyway, comp dates are up in the air for now but I foresee everything falling into place as it should. I am not worried about postponing shows. I KNOW i will eventually get my mass I so desperatly work for. And I WILL look amazing!!!!

Thinspiration????

Have y'all heard of this? There is a movement by the anorexic crowd where they look for pics of skeleton waifs like the one above and call it "Thinspiration". I was noticing the arms on Angelina Jolie on her movie poster for "Wanted" and thought, "Ick." How absolutely stupid that they cast her as that strong, dominant female character when her body is so obviously lacking strength. She is just thin and nothing more. Not saying she isn't beautiful but why does she get roles like lara Croft and that Wanted character when she can't pull them off? Why not get someone who has beautiful shape to their arms and some strength? Why this waif love affair America has going on? I just could not live like that! I once got down to 95 lbs in college when I wanted to look just like Kate Moss. i was 5'9" tall and she was NOT yet I wanted to be so thin. The sad thing is, even though my hair was falling out, and my teeth hurt all the time, my nails had cracks running lengthwise down to an infected nailbed, and my bones throbbed almost constantly, people kept telling me I was gorgeous, that I kept looking better each day. WTF???? I look back at how many "friends" who did NOT love me and I resent them now. My mom and brother did not even recognize me when I came home. I had to get in their face at the airport and say HELLO!!!! My brother looked shocked and my mom was just speechless (which is saying a lot cuz she is never at a loss for words). They drove me straight to TACO BELL, LOL! But I got home and began to see that I just wasn't mature enough to handle the stress of life away from home at such a young age so I took 6 mos back at home to get a job and get my health back before I went back to school and got my own apartment. I had to really take a long hard look at myself and my self-value.

Now I strive for a good healthy weight. I am still thin but I have some muscle now and as long as I am careful with my nutrition and can support my body through heavy training and maintain good nutrition through it all, I am happy. I never NEVER want to go back to the waif model look again. EVER.

Happy Fucking New Year

Yep, this is how I begin the new year...with TOM. Son of a BITCH!!! I went to do deadlifts today and what I easily pull 185-205 lbs was like not there AT ALL!!! I could only get 165x3. Seriously. And then nothing after that. I had to drop on most of my other weights as well except for my upper body stuff. I ended up adding straight-leg deadlifts to finish smoking my legs since I could not pull what I was supposed to get today for sumo DL's. Grrrr......and I am bleeding just so damn heavy again. I have my period all the time it seems. Went and got checked out about this and nothing is wrong with me. Seriously? Nothing? So some women just bleed like a stuck pig way more often than other women? And that is normal??? Really??? Well fuck you medical community. And I asked about getting something to stop my periods and was told I would bleed for about 6 mos straight before they stopped. Well....um...fuck you again. I am not NOT going to take away from my training anymore than I have to and 6 mos straight of bleeding is just ridiculous. But I understand men are more important....make sure, Mr. Big Medical Community, that you go and make a whole new pill for making a man's dick bigger cuz that is what I really need right now. AAAgh!!!!! If I wasn't bleeding all the live long month I WOULD want a man who used one of your stupid penis pills but what good does it do me NOW????